Critiquing and being critiqued can be a stressful activity under the best of circumstances. But sometimes situations arise that are difficult or downright awkward. The following address three of those times.
 
What do you do when a member of a critique group brings a manuscript you cannot critique? e.g. Is diametrically opposed to your beliefs or you find it offensive.
 
First:

• Make sure you understand why you cannot critique the piece. Then be prepared to speak honestly, but kindly.

Possible Responses:

• Critique the writing and not the content.
• If you find the content offensive—making it difficult to even comment on writing style, punctuation, etc.—withdraw from critiquing this piece. Be ready to give an answer, if they ask, about why you do not want to critique it. e.g. “The language in this manuscript bothers me.” Or, “I’m uncomfortable with the subject matter.”
• If the content is contrary to Scripture and the writer is a Christian aiming at a Christian market, look up scripture references and use those as part of your critique. For a face-to-face critique, you may need to ask if you can have more time, and send your response later. Your email might look like this: “I’ve been thinking more about your piece and am wondering . . .”
• Does your group have guidelines about the type of material offered for critique? If so, and the piece is outside the guidelines, politely remind the writer of the goals of the group. “This group focuses on clean fiction.” If your group does not have guidelines, discuss the possibility of having them with the group.

Tips:

• Remember to make “I” statements not “you” statements.  For example, NOT “You use too many curse words.” INSTEAD “I prefer not to read a manuscript with profanity.”
• Comment on the piece not the author: e.g. “This manuscript has a lot of curse words.”
• Ask questions: “Is this type of language acceptable to the publisher?”

 
What do you do when someone doesn’t want to critique your manuscript?
 
First:

• Don’t be easily offended.

Possible Responses:

• Ask if the problem is with the style or the content of your manuscript? Some people don’t understand poetry and don’t feel they can offer any worthwhile comments. Others don’t like fantasy.
• If the critiquer responds “content,” you may want to ask for specifics so you understand the problem. Be as polite as possible even if you disagree.
• Thank the critiquer and see what others have to say about your manuscript.

Tips:

• Remember this is not personal.
• If people in your group are frequently unwilling to critique your material, either this is not the right group for you or perhaps your manuscripts are not appropriate for the critique group. (For example, I wouldn’t take a children’s piece to an adult critique group.)

 
What do you do when you receive an unfair critique?
 
First:

• Don’t be easily offended. Try to stay calm.
• Step back and give yourself time to recover. Then take an honest look at the comments. Now that you can be more objective, consider whether these comments have validity. If they still seem unfair, focus on comments from other critiquers.
• Analyze the critiquer. Were they negative with everyone? If so, they may need to be exposed to or reminded of critique guidelines that discuss how important it is to give positive feedback. Ask the group leader to remind everyone of the guidelines.
• Get to know this person better. Perhaps other events in their life were influencing a normal positive attitude. Or it may just be a misunderstanding—what feels hurtful to you may be intended as humor.

Possible Responses:

• Next time state clearly what you need from this critiquer. “I’m not looking for a line-by-line edit, I just want to know if the overall story arc is working.”
• Speak privately to the person and express your need to hear something positive on your writing. Use I statements. e.g. “It’s easier for me to accept criticism if I also hear what IS working in my writing. It would really help me if you could tell me something you liked.”

Tips:

• Try to separate yourself from the piece.
• Remember that most people aren’t intentionally malicious. Often it is thoughtlessness that hurts others.
• Forgive.

 
In any of these cases, a writing mentor, or group leader may have additional suggestions for you. No need to mention names or info that would pointedly indicate the person you are struggling with—we don’t want to turn this into a gossip session—just ask for advice from someone with more critique group experience.