Writing Close

I've heard it called "distancing the reader" and "filtering," but whichever term used, its an error in writing that needs to be corrected. We write sentences such as "I saw the dog's huge teeth." Or "Sophie watched the German Shepherd charge her." We want the reader to know it's the main character's viewpoint. But if we're in a dangerous situation are we going to be passive about it? No! Neither should our main characters. Cut the I saw, she watched, he heard, they observed, etc. Make it more immediate. Show the character reacting or doing something. Even if the situation isn't dangerous the story will be stronger without distancing.

Following are some ways my two sample sentences above could be improved. Look at how different the versions are--how they present very different scenarios.

Instead of: "I saw the dog's huge teeth."

1. "I lifted the dog's upper lip to expose his huge teeth." We read why the character is seeing the teeth.
2. "Whoa! That dog has huge teeth." We hear what the character is saying or thinking.
3. "The dog's huge teeth snapped an inch from my arm." We're feeling the danger with the character.

Instead of:  "Sophie watched the German Shepherd charge her."

1. "When the German Shepherd charged, Sophie stood her ground." We're getting a sense of bravery versus passivity. Or perhaps they are playing. ;-) (I have a beloved German Shepherd mix, so am by no means picking on Shepherds.)
2. "The German Shepherd charged and Sophie leaped out of the way." We're seeing an avoidance action by the character.
3. "The German Shepherd charged and Sophie snatched her Shih Tzu out of harms way." We're seeing the character protect her own dog. (Obviously the picture above doesn't match this scenario, but it was such a good image of a dog baring its teeth...)
   

So take a look at your writing. Are you writing close? Are your characters active? Or are you distancing by letting your character be passive?

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