Blunders that Stop Me Reading - part 1

I hear about an ebook, or take a book off of a shelf, and the premise sounds interesting. My next step is to read a preview of the book. If the opening pages catch my interest, I’ll purchase it, or check it out from the library. However, I decline even free ebooks when the opening doesn’t grab me, and especially if it isn’t edited well enough.
 
This is not just about grammar and punctuation, although that’s definitely a stopper. It’s often about less obvious things.
 
Blunder #1 – the overuse of “as.”
 
For example, when reading the opening of a mystery recently, in the first eight sentences I spotted four sentences that started with “as” and another sentence also included an “as.” I don’t want to embarrass another author so will make up my own example with the same number of sentences and “as”es and how they could be fixed.
 
Sandra dropped her keys as a noise behind her startled her. She checked over her shoulder. Nothing in the dimly lit hallway. As she bent to pick up the keyring, it came again. As she snatched up the keys, the skin of her back crawled. As she searched for the key to her apartment, her fingers trembled. Click—there it was again. As Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
 
Writing that made me cringe. Let’s talk about why.
 
Sentence #1 - Sandra dropped her keys as a noise behind her startled her. This is a perfect example of trying to show simultaneous actions, but in the wrong chronological order. What happens first? The noise. It should be first. Possible rewrite: A noise behind Sandra startled her and she dropped her keys.
 
Sentence #5 - As she snatched up the keys, the skin of her back crawled. Since sentence #4 started with “As she,” varying sentence structure will make the text more interesting. One way to do so is by using a conjunction. Possible rewrites: The skin of her back crawled, but she snatched up the keys. OR She snatched up her keys and tried to ignore the crawling sensation going up her back.
 
Sentence #6 - As she searched for the key to her apartment, her fingers trembled. Again, this one is not quite in the right order. Possible rewrite: With trembling fingers, she searched for the key to her apartment.
 
Sentence #8 - As Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye. Sometimes we need to use other words than “as” such as “while” or “when.” One possible rewrite would be: When Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
 
So what could this paragraph look like using these ideas?
 
A noise behind Sandra startled her and she dropped her keys. She checked over her shoulder. Nothing in the dimly lit hallway. As she bent to pick up the keyring, it came again. She snatched up her keys and tried to ignore the crawling sensation going up her back. With trembling fingers, she searched for the key to her apartment. Click—there it was again. When Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
 
If I saw this version, I’d keep reading. What about you? Do you think it is stronger? Feel free to comment below.

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